Dear Jack,
You are nine months old! How exciting is that? This has been such a HUGE month for you--so many milestones have been marked, and so MANY new developments! I am feeling a little overwhelmed today, and yesterday and I'm sure I will tomorrow as well over this one singular thought-- I do not want my boy to grow up! I don't, I really don't. I know that there are SO many great and amazing things that God has in store for you in your future and I know that I will love and admire the person that you become BUT at this precise moment, I love the BABY you.
I love how you still don't have any teeth so you still give a great gummy smile whenever you look at me. I love your little chubby baby bum and your tiny little hands that reach and grab for everything in their reach. I love that I can still hold you for as long as I want and pretend that we are as close as we used to be only nine months ago. Already though, I see you pushing me away. You are becoming so much more independent which is SO GREAT but so saddening to me. Lately, the more I bring you towards me, the more you start pushing me away. Want a bottle? You hold it yourself. Want that toy across the room? You crawl towards it. You no longer need me as much as you used to and I know that is such a good thing but it still breaks my heart a little. I know that you are trying to tell me that you are ready to change, you are ready to become a little boy and no longer a baby. And I know that you growing up is an amazing thing and I should be embracing it, I just don't know if I am ready to say goodbye to my little baby yet. I know, I know, I should be rejoicing in the fact that you grow, and thrive, and march forward and I do, I SO do, but I also mourn a little. You will forever and always be my little boy-- no matter how old you are, no matter how many children you have or grandchildren you have, forever you will be my little baby boy who holds such a large piece of my heart.
This is something about being a mom ( especially to a son) that no one can ever prepare you for-- as a parent, you are constantly saying goodbye. The person you are today, is a person that you will never be again, a person that I will, in some ways, forget, as you are replaced by a new person, a bigger person, a faster person, a person with more words, a person striving and achieving more independence, a person, who in reality, is pushing me further and further away. It is heartbreaking and wonderful ALL at the same time! I try so hard to capture every second of your life, I guess that is why I have been CRAZY with the camera. I just don't want to miss anything. I don't want to forget you like this. You are amazing in every way and the thought of forgetting how you are now, makes me even more sad. I'm really trying to work hard on embracing your transformation into boyhood but I know at times, I will slip and drift back to when you were that cuddly little baby boy who was completely dependent on your daddy and me. I hope you can forgive me for having such a hard time letting you develop into a boy and eventually a man. It is just so hard to not grab on to you now and not let you go but I know it is necessary. Be patient with me. I love you, my dear sweet baby boy, and keep growing, and thriving and achieving everything you want, just remember that whatever life throws at you, I will be here for you forever.
Love,
Mommy
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