Mixed Emotions

I have been feeling extremely overwhelmed lately. I am so excited to have another baby. I am excited to be blessed to raise another son and show him the ways of the world. I am excited about having a teeny tiny cuddly baby again that smells so good. I'm excited to see Jack be such a good big brother. I'm excited about going through all the milestones that little babies go through again( lifting their head up, rolling over, sitting up, etc.). But I am also extremely scared and anxious. It is frightening to think that our worlds are about to change completely again. We now have to worry about burping, feeding every three hours, waking up during the night, etc. etc. And as excited as I am about having another little guy around, these thoughts are overwhelming my mind right now. How am I going to have the energy to take care of two kids for 24 hours straight? How am I going to take a shower? How am I going to make meals for all of us? Will JJ and I find any alone time for each other? Is nursing going to work this time around? Is Jack going to be jealous? Is he going to feel like we don't love him as much anymore? This last question haunts my mind all the time. I don't want Jack to feel like he is being overlooked. But he's so young; he's not going to understand that I can't hold him while I'm nursing the baby and I can't roll around on the ground with him after I've had a c-section. He is not going to understand that. I just hope that we can find a way to show him how much he is truly loved and what a blessing HE is as well.
Another HUGE thought that goes through my head most of the day and keeps me up at night is that I'm also mourning our little family of three. Every time we do something now, it is never far from my mind that this could be the last time we do this as just the three of us. The last time we go to the park, the last time we go to the pool, the last time Jack and I go to the store, or the last time we all sit down together for dinner every night. I know, I know, duh, we will obviously still do these things, but there will be an addition. It will no longer be just mommy, daddy, and jack. That terrifies me. I like routines. I don't like change. Most women that I talk to always say that going from 1 to 2 kids is the hardest adjustment. You are so used to only putting your attention towards one child and now you have to break that attention up to two kids. I hope I do it right. I hope that both of my sons know that they are the world to me and I love them more than life itself. I know there will be jealously, I know there will be lots of clinging to mommy, but I just hope that I am patient ( because that is truly something I lack) and give them each the time they need to know how much they are loved. Equally.